Communicating with a loved one who has memory issues can be deeply meaningful—but it can also be challenging at times. As memory, language, and cognition change, certain conversations that once felt harmless may now cause confusion, frustration, or distress.
Whether your loved one lives at home or in a memory care or assisted living community, the way you speak with them plays a vital role in their emotional well-being.
While there’s no perfect script for every situation, being mindful of your words and tone can make a world of difference. Avoiding specific types of conversations, and replacing them with gentle, reassuring communication, can help build trust and maintain a stronger emotional connection.
What Is Dementia?
Dementia is a broad term that refers to a decline in cognitive function severe enough to interfere with daily life. It affects memory, language, problem-solving, and other thinking abilities. Unlike normal aging, dementia is progressive and can significantly impact how a person communicates and relates to the world around them.
There are several types of dementia, each with distinct characteristics:
- Alzheimer’s disease – The most common form, marked by memory loss, confusion, and difficulty with language and decision-making
- Vascular dementia – Caused by reduced blood flow to the brain, often following a stroke or small vessel damage
- Lewy body dementia – Characterized by abnormal protein deposits in the brain, leading to hallucinations, movement issues, and cognitive changes
- Frontotemporal dementia – Affects personality, behaviour, and language due to degeneration in the brain’s frontal and temporal lobes
- Mixed dementia – A combination of two or more types, often including Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia
Why Words Matter
Dementia affects how a person understands, processes, and responds to language. What seems like a simple correction or question to you might feel overwhelming or upsetting to someone living with memory loss. As cognitive abilities decline, emotional sensitivity often increases. People may be more vulnerable to feelings of embarrassment, confusion, or even fear.
That’s why it’s so important to approach conversations with patience, empathy, and flexibility. The goal isn’t to correct or challenge, but to support, comfort, and connect.
1. “Don’t you remember?”
Even if you’re asking about something recent—like a visitor earlier in the day or what they had for lunch—questions like “Don’t you remember?” can lead to anxiety or shame. A person with dementia may feel frustrated that they don’t know the answer, and this can create tension between you.
Instead, try:
“It was so nice when your daughter stopped by earlier.”
Or: “Lunch was your favourite—chicken and mashed potatoes!”
These kinds of affirmations share information rather than quiz memory, which helps reduce stress and keeps the conversation flowing.
2. “I just told you that.”
Repeating yourself can be tiring, especially when you’re caregiving daily—but phrases like “I already told you” or “We talked about this” can come across as impatient or critical. They also do little to help the person recall the information.
Instead, try:
Respond with kindness and repeat the answer as calmly as if it were the first time. Sometimes even the sound of your voice—more than the words themselves—provides comfort.
You might also try using visual reminders, like a calendar or photos, to reinforce daily details in a gentler way.
3. “That’s not right.”
Correcting a person with dementia—especially about times, places, or people—can increase confusion or even spark arguments. If they insist it’s 1965 or call you by the wrong name, correcting them may not improve clarity but instead lead to frustration.
Instead, try:
Enter their reality. If they’re reminiscing about “going to work” or “waiting for the kids to come home,” ask them about it. Respond with curiosity rather than correction: “What kind of work did you do?” or “Tell me more about that.”
Going along with their version of events can help them feel seen and safe.
4. “You already asked that.”
Repetition is common in dementia. While it may seem redundant or exhausting to hear the same question or story again, pointing it out can feel like criticism and may cause embarrassment.
Instead, try:
Answer the question again with patience, or gently guide the conversation in another direction. Sometimes the repetition comes from a need for reassurance or familiarity, not forgetfulness alone.
A calm, warm tone can help meet the emotional need behind the repeated words.
5. “You’re wrong.”
People with dementia may have difficulty distinguishing reality from memory. Rather than arguing about what’s right or wrong, it’s more helpful to validate their feelings—even if the facts don’t match.
For example, if they say, “My mother is coming to visit today,” and their mother passed away many years ago, saying “She died a long time ago” can feel unnecessarily painful.
Instead, try:
“What would you like to do when she gets here?”
Or: “Tell me more about your mother.”
This keeps the conversation positive while honouring the emotions behind their words.
6. “You can’t live alone anymore.”
Big changes—like moving to assisted living or having a full-time caregiver—can be hard to understand or accept. Announcing such decisions abruptly can trigger fear, anger, or resistance, especially if the person feels they’re losing independence.
Instead, try:
Focus on safety and reassurance. Say something like:
“We want to make sure you have everything you need, and this will help keep you comfortable and cared for.”
Introduce new routines gradually, and involve them in decisions as much as possible to support a sense of control.
7. “No, that person is gone.”
Grief and memory loss can create complicated moments. If someone with dementia asks for a deceased loved one, bluntly stating the truth—“They died”—can cause them to experience the loss as if it just happened, again and again.
Instead, try:
Gently redirect or ask about their favourite memories of that person.
“I know you miss her. What’s your favourite thing you used to do together?”
Redirecting attention to pleasant emotions can reduce distress while honouring their connection to the person they remember.
Support for Life at Bay Lake Senior Living
At Bay Lake senior living community in Virginia Beach, we understand the complexities of memory loss and the power of compassionate communication. Our memory care team is trained to support individuals with dementia through gentle routines, personalized care, and meaningful conversation.
Whether your loved one is in the early stages of dementia or requires full-time support, our community provides a safe, nurturing environment where they can feel valued and understood. Schedule a visit today to learn how we help residents feel at home, one caring conversation at a time.
